Stepping Out of the Shadows
Publishing this photo of me represents a distinct shift in mindset and is symbolic of the next step I must make on my journey; to step out of the shadows and safety of anonymity and into the light of public scrutiny.
For years I have felt driven to share the incredible process that has been unfolding in my mind but have simultaneously felt resistance to sharing my story and attracting attention to myself. Part of that resistance faded after my parents passed away and I no longer needed to worry about how other people’s judgment might hurt them. Further exploring that resistance, I recently had to face the fact that the only obstacle that could be holding me back from sharing my truth on a wider stage is the fear of what the world might think of me.
My entire life has been dedicated to dissolving my fears and insecurities, and helping others do the same, so at first the notion seemed ridiculous. However, the discomfort I felt at the thought of sharing this insight confirmed... it must be so.
With the remnants of that subconscious fear fading away, the words came pouring out, spilling onto Instagram and Facebook, setting me off on my journey into social media. For those of you that join me along the way, I encourage you to connect and explore anything that draws your attention.
My Story
I suppose I should have started the journey with a little introduction but it didn’t come to mind, so here goes.
I am a transformational guide and help illuminate the way for others that are struggling to ‘see’ their own path out of the suffering caused by their destructive patterns and belief structures.
My own journey started a month before my ninth birthday; in a moment of utter desperation, the stress and fear of my circumstances forced me inward to a place where I found strength and clarity. The gift of that moment set me on a path toward my freedom from suffering and a deeper awareness of my purpose for being. That has led to the creation of a retreat space where people can come together, to heal naturally, become aware of their Authentic Self and connect with others that wish to live a more connected, harmonious life.
From my present state of consciousness, I can look back over the events of my life and recognize that I have been on a synchronistic journey that has led me, step by step, to this point in my life; a place where I am free of emotional pain and suffering. I live in a state of deep contentment that one may even call joy, and share that with my family and all with whom I connect.
As I share my story I ask that you suspend judgment, allow yourself rather to open up and feel where my truth resonates in your life and the path you have traveled. At times I will invite you to travel with me into the energetic realm that I see in my mind’s eye and perhaps even to explore with me your own inner world. Along the way I will draw on analogies from our physical reality to describe energetic concepts that are beyond words and often, beyond mind. Come on the journey, trust the process and perhaps you too will find your truth being reflected.
The Cosmic Dance
One of the strongest Fields of Influence (FOI) that would shape my reality was that of my mother, the field through which my Being materialized onto the physical plane over the 9 month of pregnancy (manifestation period). The strength of her field would ‘draw to the surface of my being the energetic characteristics that I had inherited from her blood line and ensure that she would experience herself externally through me in the first cycle of my life (+-7 Years).
During that first part of the cosmic dance with my mother, many energetic role plays developed that would force her to make choices and find solutions for any behavior she perceived as negative or that triggered emotional turmoil in either of us. Motivated by the maternal bond and unconditional love a mother feels for her child, she would unconsciously create endless opportunities to dissolve destructive energetic patterns in our field.
In the reactive moments triggered by our relationship, if she was able to look inward and become aware that it was her patterns being reflected, if she understood the Process and purpose of the soul dance between mother and child, she could have changed the course of her life and experienced less suffering, but that was not to be her role.
The second Field of Influence that would shape my reality was that of my father. During the first cycle of my life, his influence on my development was felt only in the effect it had on my mother and the physical reality that was generated by their relationship.
On the stage that was being set for my learning my parents played the role of violent alcoholics lost in an endless haze of insecurity and fear. My father’s character was that of an attractive and charming widower whose insecurity fueled an insatiable need for validation from other woman; my mother’s role that of a beautiful young woman finding herself in love with this man and his two children, but unable to deal with the pain of betrayal.
I consciously became aware of my role in this play in my eighth year when Child Protection Services removed my older half-brother and sister from our home, leaving me and my three younger siblings with our parents. During the hearing, the State was made to believe that the conflict in the family, and the reason for my older siblings repeated attempts to run away from home, was caused by the relationship between my mother and her step children; the alcohol abuse and violence were hidden to prevent my mother losing her new born son, one and four year old daughters and me.
Without my older siblings to absorb the brunt of the situation, I suddenly found myself drowning in an ocean of responsibility and fear as my parents fought their battles fueled by alcohol and jealousy. These physical encounters would often leave my mother bloodied and in a drunken mess for a week or two. Her recovery period was slow and usually characterized by violent and uncontrolled attempts at disciplining us; a subconscious recreation of her own experiences as a child. My Father worked away from home and returned on alternate weekends, only to restart the process, again and again.
For the next ten months or so I tried to take care of my siblings whenever my mother was too drunk or had passed out. I quickly learnt to change nappies, bath, cook, feed, dress and put them to sleep. To compound matters, my youngest brother suffered with Colic and would just never stop crying. I found myself in a constant state of fear and panic that seemed never ending.
By Christmas Eve of that same year, the stage had been set for me to receive a gift that would set me on my path to freedom.
My parents had started the day off in the Christmas spirit but that had quickly disintegrated into their normal patterns. By dinner time the drunken fight was over and both of them had passed out leaving me and the younger kids trying to celebrate Christmas and eat what was left of the burnt meal my mother had been distracted from. Once I had put the children to sleep I felt so desperately alone and was overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness. I just couldn’t go on; the constant fear and stress had become too much to bear. I had often thought about running away from home as my older siblings had, but the responsibility I felt would not allow it... still I needed a way out. My desperate mind frantically weighed up the options and came up with what seemed like a perfect solution…Death.
If I killed myself I would feel no more fear, no worry, no pain; I would be free.
I decided that the quickest and least painful method would be to jump in front of the train that passed directly in front of our house. What made the solution so perfect was the belief that it would not only end the fear and stress I felt, but that it would change everything for the better. My parents would find my mangled body on the tracks and filled with regret; they would change and become better parents to my remaining siblings. This fantasy filled my mind for hours as I sat on the banks alongside the track in the dark and cold waiting for the train. I cannot say for certain what I would have done if a train had arrived but as fate would have it on Christmas Eve, none did.
As the dark of the night gave way to the morning light, I had my first moment of clarity. Like the dark, the fantasy too had faded and I could clearly see how the events of my death would play out. My parents would not really understand why I had done this and my mother would now have the perfect excuse for her drinking. The only thing that would really change is that there would be no one to take care of the kids.
In that moment of clarity I felt calm and clear, I intuitively knew that I would never have to run away from anything again, that no matter what happened, I could find the answers inside myself, and that we would be safe. That was a few weeks before my ninth birthday.
In retrospect, I realized that the real gift in the moment was not the strength and resolve that carried me through the next decade but the clarity and peace I found when I looked inside myself. This awareness strengthened and was affirmed each time I was forced to deal with crises after crises with no one else to rely on for the answers.
When we step back from the stage and are able to examine the character my mother played in my life without judgment, we are reminded that she is a pure expression of Source Consciousness, simply acting out a role on the stage of life, that her sole/(Soul's) purpose here was to dissolve blockages in our energetic stream. From our limited perspective we may judge her role as a negative one, but from an energetic perspective, it was exactly what was required to create a shift in the family field, in me; even if her life did not benefit from it.
Her Being remained trapped in the dense reality created by her mind and the programs that she had inherited. Unable to dissolve those blockages herself, she ‘handed’ them on to us, her children and remained locked into the role she was born into; waiting for physical death to set her free from her tormented mind and diseased body.
As the dance with my mother was drawing to its end, I chose to step back onto the stage of her creation; an opportunity to feel if I still had resonance with my ancestral patterns for me; an opportunity to seek forgiveness and find release for her.
At that point on my journey I had already been living my truth for many years and clearly understood the purpose of the Cosmic Dance and the relationship that had played out with my mother. The relationship with my life partner and three children had helped me become aware and dissolve the last traces of my destructive Ancestral patterns, and I was at peace.
Over an eight week period I lived with my parents and got to share all that I had discovered on my journey. I got to experience them without judgment and could love them for all that they are. My mother, now sober for many years, had been suffering with Emphysema and could barely walk to the door without her oxygen bottle. Her body was broken, her mind in fear.
One day, as we gently explored the inevitability of her passing, she broke down in tears and delivered the apology that I thought I so desperately needed as a child. But I was no longer that wounded child; as I held her sobbing body to mine, I could assure her that no forgiveness was necessary. I could tell her that, even if I had the power to go back in time, I would not change a single moment, that the role she had played in my life had been essential in releasing me from suffering and changing our family stream for all time.
We spent the remainder of those weeks discussing the eternal nature of our Being and the beautiful process that binds us all together. The music for this part of our dance was coming to an end for my mother; she needed to step out of this pain filled role and back into the essence of her Being.
On Christmas day a few months later, having just survived another complete failure of her respiratory system, she asked my father to buy a few bottles of wine and a box of cigarettes. They chatted into the night and when they finally went to sleep, she chose to move on to the next part of her journey.
